


It Felt Like Dying

by NotSoHumanAnymore



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Mind Games, Mind Manipulation, Minor Character Death, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Torture, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-20 07:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14255739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoHumanAnymore/pseuds/NotSoHumanAnymore
Summary: Loki steals the infinity stones from Thanos in an attempt to make things right. Suffice to say, he should have really planned things out better.*no infinity war spoilers*





	It Felt Like Dying

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before watching Infinity War for a longer story that now have to be seriously reworked. I really wasn't expecting anything in this movie. So this was the original beginning.
> 
> If you like this keep an eye out because a better and longer story might show up within the next few weeks. Hopefully. And I y'all have a good day.
> 
> Find me on tumblr at revealingmeandmyself.tumblr.com

For the first time in centuries, Loki’s mind was crystal clear. Maybe it was the cold numbness that sank to the bone. Or perhaps he was still in shock. It was as though the hole in his chest had finally bled dry. The void had consumed him. That final act of betrayal had broken him, finally freed him from everything else. He was no king, no fallen prince. He He was neither savior nor destroyer. He wasn't a god. He was just Loki. 

So, when Thanos slaughtered the universe with the snap of his fingers, he expected to feel nothing then too. Instead a burst of white hot pain shot through his gut. It faded fast, but left behind a deeper emptiness than before. At least the universe had a hole to match.

Loki assumed that everyone he had ever known was dead. And while half of the universe still lived on, it wasn't a half that he particularly cared about. Thanos had said that it was supposed to be balanced, but it felt as though it had been torn in half. Wrenched to the side and on the verge of falling. 

He was on the verge of falling too. The desire had always been there, the deep seated lust for power. But it was always buried deep beneath everything else. His anger, his fear, his crippling despair. With all of that gone it should have been no surprise that the need world all but sneak up on him what he least expected it. It was as though someone had turned a switch. One moment he was staring over the edge, and the next he was looking beyond. At those stones.

He didn't have much of a plan, that had always been Thor’s specialty, but he did have an idea of what he needed to do. It wasn't as far fetched as it could have been. And if his brother still lived then he would have called the whole thing stupid and far too simple to actually work. He would claim that the secret to great plans were ones crazy enough to be unthinkable to the enemy. 

Loki slipped into the mirror world in the same step that he slipped into Thanos’s chambers. It still surprised him that the titan slept. If he wanted to think about it, then he could probably draw some conclusions about habits being difficult to break and ultimate power being mentally exhausting. Still, he took what he could get. 

Staring at the gauntlet was different than he had expected. It looked less threatening on the hand of a sleeping beast. The pull was stronger, so much so that it took an iron grip to keep himself from ripping that glove off and taking it. He knew that he could, it wouldn't even matter. Maybe he could bring everyone back. He could bring Thor back.

He tore cut open a window and reached out with both hands. First for the mind stone, because he would need that before the others. Second to keep Thanos unconscious with the strongest suggestion he could muster. 

The yellow gem felt warm in his palm. It hummed with power, practically latched onto his magic. It was familiar, although far more raw in this form. And, just as before, it was easy to force his will upon it. The difference was in the direction and the order. I sent a ripple through his mind, almost made him lose his hold on Thanos. But the titan just shifted. The locks and chains settled on the former prince’s mind with little more than a dull ache behind his eyes. It was done.

He let it vanish from his grasp, tucked safely away in a pocket dimension. Almost instantly he felt the lack of power, but he didn't dare touch it again. One by one he did the same with the other stones, although he was careful not to use them. They slipped like water from his hand into the hole he had made in space. It was all just too easy.

After shoving the final stone, the power stone which he was very careful not to touch with his bare hands, Loki realized that getting the glove off would be harder. Even with his magic working in the background, his suggestion strong enough that it was starting to leak into his own mind, it would still be a risk. Perhaps he could come back for it. It was useless without the stones anyway. And so long as he had the stones there was no chance of Thanos getting them back.

He felt the mirror world start to open behind him, preparing to step through it again, when something shifted. It was hard to tell what exactly had changed, but he was already taking a step back when a golden fist met his face.

All he could think as blood poured from his broken nose was that he had to get rid of that pocket. Loki crawled back, watching as the titan rose with a low growl. He was already sealing up any hole left in his little hole in space, making sure nothing could get in or out. The threats, promises of endless suffering, bounced right off the surface of his mind. 

The snapped the thread connecting him to the little pocket between his teeth. He felt it float for a moment, and used his last act of coherency to shove it as far away as he could. Then his head was slammed into the floor.

\---------------

Ebony Maw ripped himself from Loki’s mind the same way one would pull a rotten molar. It left a dull, empty ache in his consciousness and a caused the deeper, throbbing pain behind his eyes to grow. Blood dripped from his nose but he hardly noticed. An all too familiar feeling of something dislodged in his mind, though hardly noticeable. But he still hadn’t broken yet. If circumstances were different it would be impressive. If he hadn’t locked his will in place with the mind stone before this whole thing began.

The creature, because there was no better word to describe him, hissed something that Loki couldn’t hear through the ringing in his ears. Probably something about control, about stealing, and how he would give in eventually. He seemed to think that Loki would break again, that the fractures in his mind were anywhere near as fragile as before. 

 

Blood filled his mouth so logically he spat it in Maw’s face. His mind was cracked open again as a result, drowning his senses in his mother. Her eyes, her face, her hands, her warmth. He ran her through with one of his blades. She cried, called him a monster. And then he was suffocating, choking on her blood.

The thing about Loki was that he had never been good at following people. Usually he would be quiet about it, seem like the perfect ally until he stabbed them in the back with their own sword. But some situations required him to be loud. Those were fun, filled with partial fake laughter and a lot of boasting. Play the role, as some might see it. Eventually he would trick everyone, pull a blade from under his sleeve or set something on fire. This time, however, there were no knives. Only a desperate creature’s mind games, and a monster with an unbreakable will. 

And Maw was desperate. When his claws went back in they were less coherent. Thoughts and feelings, fears and doubts. Thor’s face face while he screamed. His anger, hatred, eventual indifference. Odin telling him that he loved you my son, all while locking him away again. Odin repeating those words as he ordered countless tortures to know why. He never asked, he just demanded. Who was in charge? Where did you put them? He wanted the stones. Give back the stones.

Loki came back laughing, taste of something burnt on his tongue. (Odin? Thanos?) Ebony Maw’s face swam in his failing vision and he laughed in it. What did it matter? He clearly couldn’t go much further or risk permanent damage. And if any one of these idiots destroyed his mind, or worse killed him, then the stones would be lost forever. What would happen then, he thought, to the fucker who killed him? Certainly wouldn’t make their dear old father happy, now would it?

It hadn’t occurred to Loki that any of this could have passed his lips until he was being torn open again, this time from a different angle. Everything was on fire. It was his fault. And the people around him were melted into steaming puddles on the floor. It smelt only of burnt toast. 

He was not so lucky as to die fast. Or at all. Blood boiled in this heat, blistering to the point of bursting his charred flesh. He could do nothing as it leaked from his peeling skin. It poured from his mouth, his sizzling tongue. It cooked his eyes, but it would not reach his brain. It would not kill him.

And if he could think beyond the horror and the pain, it would be that the air sounded different. A soft, almost innocent laugh drifted among the smoke. He knew better than to mistake it as anything sweet. So he stood there choking on the smoke and his blood and his lies and his stubbornness because this was all his fault. But he couldn’t remember why.

The everything cut. Like an axe hitting a tree. Set to cut it down. Only it was in his head. And he was still in his head. But the axe swung again and he was gasping, sobbing, choking, dying. He was dying. One more breath, a horrifying sound, and his body gave out. His face was wet with tears and blood and he was looking at those damn eyes and he was looking at his own. He was dying right in front of his face. And he was dying. His brain was pouring out of his skull did it really look like that? It hurt so much. It hurt it hurt it hurt it hur-

Loki came back laughing again, but he usually did. It sounded almost like sobbing, but it usually did too. And he was almost disappointed, because this time he wanted to be screaming. 

Someone took him down from where he had been hanging forever. The floor came rushing to him, but someone caught him before he could meet it. He was pulled close. Strong arms wrapped around him. Steady heartbeat. Smelled like, felt like, sounded like Thor.

It couldn’t be real. Thor was dead. Or he was alive and Loki was dead. He wasn’t dead. So maybe this was another mind game. Keep him disoriented. Make him trust. Eventually he would give in. Eventually he would-

Ebony Maw’s corpse was right there. It stood out with sharp clarity. Everything else was a painful haze, but the blood. Neck wrenched unnaturally to the side. Bloody bone jutted out the. So much blood everywhere, thick and black. Just like his own. Head smashed open and his brains spilling out. He could feel it as his senses burned white around the edges. The fire ate everything until he could only see, only feel those bright green eyes. And nothing felt like this. Nothing felt quite like dying.

His chest burned as he coughed up bile. Nothing came up but blood and bile. Which made sense considering he hadn’t eaten since he’d fucked up and given the tesseract to Thanos. Strong arms held him up which was good because he probably couldn’t. Everything shook as he heaved, trying desperately to stop. He couldn’t stop. 

There was a hand on his back rubbing circles that made his head spin. This was worse, he thought. He could take all the pain the universe, take the fear and the anger and the crippling doubt. He could take just about anything except kindness. And he wanted to laugh some more, but all he would do was wrench painfully some more. 

Thor, the big oaf, was telling him something that sounded like it should be soothing. But he could practically hear the words in his head and he wanted to scream until the pain was gone. He wanted to know so that he could throw them back in his idiot face. He wanted to grab Thor and shake him, claw into his mind like that creature had and show him why everything was wrong and nothing would be right ever again.


End file.
